Recently, I had one of those moments with Mr Sociable. He wanted my attention. He kept asking me to play with him, kept getting underfoot as I was trying to get things done and complaining when I didn’t “play cars” with him. Eventually he jumped in the middle of the tent that Franky and I were trying to pack away. I yelled at him and he ran away crying.
I knew I had done the wrong thing. I knew I had been impatient and selfish. He wanted my attention. He loves to be around me. He is 4.
I waited a few minutes to cool off and went to find him. He was outside, crying. I knew he would be upset and that I would need to apologise. I knew that we would need to talk about Mummy being busy etc. But, when I asked him what was wrong, I was not expecting him to say, “You don’t like me” - words I never wanted to hear from my child’s lips. How devastating to know that my precious little man honestly believed that I didn’t like him – that I didn’t want to spend time with him because I didn’t want to be around him.
We talked for a long time. I explained that I do love him, that I do like being around him, but that I can’t spend all day playing because sometimes there are other things I need to do (washing, cleaning, cooking). I tried to explain that I do those things to look after our family – not because I don’t want to spend time with him. But, if I am completely honest, there are other times that I have said “no” just because I didn’t feel like playing (because I was tired, or preferred to do something else).
It makes me sad to think about all the times he has felt that I don’t like him – when I have told him that I couldn’t play with him because I needed to do “jobs”. I have been pretty busy since we got home from camping - getting everything unpacked and washed, etc. Mr Sociable is very big on "quality time", but to him "quality" is also about quantity - he feels loved when he receives my undivided attention - and lots of it! Since that horrible conversation, I have been making a concerted effort to stop and listen to him when he is talking to me – to give him my attention – and also to make more time for us to play together.
One thing that really helps both of us is having a visible day plan/routine chart. Mr Sociable likes to know what we are going to be doing for the day and having the cards displayed means that he can see all the times I have already played with him that day – or the times when I will play later in the day. I was really disciplined about using the chart last year, but this year it keeps falling by the wayside. I think I need to make a concerted effort to start planning our days again, ensuring that there is time each day for me to play with Mr Sociable (as well as set times to get jobs done). I’m hoping that this regular “mummy time” will remind him how much I love him and do want to spend time with him.
How do you show your kids that you love them?
8 comments:
Aw, that's a tough day at the office for you! Sounds as though you handled it really well, though!
I have moments like that too, where I wonder if I've scarred my kids. It's not a 'fail' - even though it feels like it! I think it's a good chance to sit down and talk about things like you did. Kids are usually pretty understanding (on their level) when we take the time to explain things to them. I'm sure Mr Sociable knows how much he's loved :)
I don't play a lot with my children because I'm not a child and don't enjoy a lot of the games they play and I believe children pick up on 'faking it'. Lots of parents really do enjoy playing kids games with their kids, so I'm not at all suggesting other parents need to 'fake it'. However, I do make a point having fun with the kids doing things we all enjoy.
I also talk to my kids about how everyone is different and everyone likes different things and sometimes we can feel sad if other people aren't as interested in the things we're interested in as we are. So, then we try to find common interests and trying to take it personally.
I do a lot of talking with my kids about feelings, because that's really important (especially for boys, I think, I have four of them) and understanding that sometimes we do feel bad but that isn't a terrible thing, it's just a natural thing helps to build resilience.
I think you handled that situation really well, and I think your son knows you like him because you respected his feelings and did just fob them off.
Mr Sociable sounds SO much like my Miss-almost-4. I could spend all day with her, and she would still want my attention and time. It is hard to show them you love them, while showing them that you also have real grown-up things that need to be done.
Having said that, I think you did a great job in this situation. I think often it is just those little things we forget to do (e.g. giving eye contact and full attention when they are speaking to us), that make the difference.
That's actually reassuring to hear Julie - that your Miss-almost-4 is like that too! Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing something wrong...
Thanks. I think you're right about teaching our kids that we all like different things and not to take it personally. I'm also trying to teach him that sometimes we play games we don't enjoy, just to be with the other person (eg. sometimes he can play princesses with our neighbours because that's what they like to play, other times our neighbours can play in the dirt with him, because that's what he enjoys).
I think looking back, I can see it wasn't a "fail" - but at the time, it totally felt like it!
Thanks :)
Post a Comment