Being "me", not just "Mummy"

I decided not to return to work this year (as a primary school teacher), because I want to stay at home with my kids a bit longer. But, I was concerned that not returning to work would cut off an avenue for me being an individual - being an autonomous human being, independent from my role as Mummy.  So this year, I've been making a concerted effort to do some things that I enjoy, that are for me - things that are part of who I am and what I enjoy doing (besides being a Mum).

2012 "me time" things:
* learning new sewing skills & tackling different projects
* blogging
* using the treadmill at night (well, I actually only used the treadmill for about 3 weeks, but I'm planning to get back to it tonight!)
* journaling & bible reading (during the kids' "rest time" in the middle of the day)
* spending time with friends (I am really enjoying the bible study group I have joined with some other Mums - our kids go to creche and we actually get to talk to each other - it's wonderful!)

But there is one more thing that I want to do this year - brush up on my rusty piano skills! I have always loved playing the piano. I was lucky enough to have one in my classroom, so I would often play at lunchtime or after school to chill out. But since I've been at home with kids, I haven't had convenient access to a piano, so I've barely played in the past 4 and a half years. After talking about it with Franky (and assuring him that the piano would get more use than my neglected treadmill), we bought a digital piano last week. It meant rearranging lots of furniture in our townhouse to make a space, but I'm so glad that we did. I like the furniture arrangement better now - and I love being able to play my own piano!!

The kids are really enjoying having the piano around and Mr Sociable is very keen for me to teach him to play. I think it will be good for him to learn a skill that he has to work at - he is quick to dismiss a new task if it doesn't come easily.

But for now, I am enjoying the "me" time, remembering the songs that I used to play and rediscovering my piano skills.

What "me" things are you doing in 2012?

My Biggest Critic

I want to be the Mum who never yells - who keeps her cool in all circumstances and patiently teaches her children. I want to have a tidy house, an empty washing basket and cook fabulously nutritious meals every day. I want to hang out all the clothes to air-dry - even when it's been raining for two months and the garage is cluttered with washing rails.

I want to be the perfect wife - always having the energy and love to car for my husband as he deserves. I want to enthusiastically teach my children about God - to help them to be excited about knowing Him. I want to make meals for other people, help other mums with new babies, maintain all of my friendships and do a fantastic job of running our playgroup. I want to play games and do craft with my kids, even when I'm totally exhausted and would rather plop them in front of the TV.

But the truth is, I cannot be my "ideal" woman. I've been chasing her for so long, trying to be her, criticising myself for not being her. Then last night, when I was talking to Franky about this, he told me that she doesn't exist. Now that may sound obvious to you, but it gave me a real wake-up call! I spend so much time "doing stuff", chasing the Mummy that I want to be, but the reality never lives up to the dream. The reality is that Mr Sociable would prefer me to give him a vegemite and cheese sandwich for prep than to bake him muffins or banana bread. He would rather that we sit and play together than me spending time cooking/sewing for him. The reality is that my house will never be spotless - not if I want to enjoy time with my kids and find time to sleep at night. The reality is that sometimes I yell at my kids and I'm selfish, rather than loving, towards my family.

I am not the ideal housewife and I am my own fiercest critic. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do differently now that I've had this great revelation - but it's definitely something I need to think more about and make some decisions about what things I should let go.

Are you a perfectionist? How do you go about making realistic expectations for yourself?

How do you REALLY love your kids on days when you don't like them very much?

You know those days - the ones when your kids are driving you insane? When you really want to love your kids, you really want to be a good parent, but you REALLY just don't like being around them? It pains me to admit that there are days when I feel like this. Days that I want to run away and lock myself in a cupboard!

I'd love to hear ideas from you - what do you do to love your kids on those days??

Here are a couple of my tips:
* Try to think about some of the great things you love about them
* Change location or activity (eg go outside to blow bubbles, walk to the park)
* Pray that God would give you patience & love

To my morning cup of coffee:

We've been apart for almost 3 weeks now and I haven't missed you at all. I haven't missed the way that others sometimes made you bitter and unpleasant to be around. I haven't missed the way that you turned cold whenever my children wanted my attention. I haven't missed the drain you placed on my budget and the queasiness you gave me first thing in the morning. I haven't missed lying awake at night or and feeling like death in the mornings.

But today I have missed you. Today, when I face the consequences of staying up too late last night and being woken far too early this morning by my precious boys. Today, when I struggle to be nice and my early-rising boys are likewise grumpy. Today, when the hours creep by slowly and just want to go hide in my room until Franky gets home. Today I miss you.

 

Linking up with Jess @ Diary of a SAHM